An alien walks into a bar…
Developer: Upper Class Walrus Release Date: 14 January 2013 Review Platform: iOS
Onto my second review for this week. We’ve already had a game which centers around balls, and now we’ve got one with the word ‘Machete’ in the title. Put those two elements together and you run the risk of ending up with something very painful indeed. Ouch. ‘Take My Machete’ is an action beat-em-up from one man studio Upper Class Walrus (both great names there). I’d imagine if a walrus was going to attempt to make a fully functioning iOS game, it would take an upper class one at least, so that makes sense.
An alien walks into a bar. No, seriously, that’s how the game begins. An alien walks into a bar where a band named Machete are playing a gig, then due to production costs, or perhaps the developer being late for his dinner and forgetting to flesh out a key part of the story, the next thing we see is the bar completely empty with three guys wondering where all their gear has gone and a body of a fourth mysteriously slumped in the corner. Now I know this is only an iOS title and not the next blockbuster hit from Christopher Nolan, but their term ‘Plot Hole’ springs to mind. Did the alien fancy starting his own rock band and not have enough money to buy instruments? It’s a fair question to ask.
If the aliens don't kill you, their radioactive poo definitely will.
This screenshot is considerably smaller than the last one.
Aliens approach from every direction, and mini UFOs hover above your head dropping bombs (which annoyingly, don’t kill the aliens). The bow and arrow helps with dispatching the flying machines –Robin Hood would've loved that – and this is activated by swiping back and holding to aim, a bit like one of those Angry Birds-esque physics puzzlers. It adds a cool bit of variety, but it can get quite difficult to be accurately find the correct angle in the midst of a full on alien attack.Whatever the alien’s motivation, the next thing we see is a hilarious Russian commando guy named Jim Jungle bursting through the wall to explain that the aliens have taken the band’s gear to another location, and they should follow and destroy them to get it back. He then hands over his machete and the game begins. Where the hell has Jim Jungle come from? (yes, a wall, but you know what I mean), why is he there? If he’s such a tough guy, why doesn’t he just go after the aliens himself? This is one of those games where such existential questions don’t matter. Just get to the killing.
There’s a strong 80’s action movie vibe about the whole thing, which immediately wins points with me, because I’m a fan of 80’s actions films. To be fair, everyone should be a fan of 80’s action movies, this is a no-brainer. More specifically, if you’ve ever watched ‘Big Trouble in Little China’ you’ll understand the vibe here. If you haven’t watched ‘Big Trouble in Little China’, then you should go and watch ‘Big Trouble in Little China’. Go on. I’ll wait for you.
I’m not actually going to wait for them. Let’s continue. You play as…actually, I’m not 100% sure who you play as, but he looks like some sort of trucker complete with faded baseball cap. Armed with Jim’s machete as well as a bow and arrow (dunno where that came from), you head into four different stages to slice and dice the alien scum. In a nice touch, you’ve also got a set of themed offensive and defensive smart-bomb powers which are offered to you from your band members based on their role in the band. Directional arrows on the left hand side of the screen control your movement and an attack button on the right swings your sword. You’ll find yourself wishing for a floating joystick, as it’s easy for your thumb to slip away from the button and have your character stand still while you wonder why it’s so unresponsive. Because of the fixed position of the buttons, the screen ends up feeling cramped, and the slither of extra time it takes for you to reorient your thumb to the correct spot sometimes leads to grizzly trucker death.
For some reason the game also feels like it needs a jump button. To be fair, there isn’t really any practical in-game reason for this, but it just feels like something is missing. My feelings. Don’t belittle them.
There’s a strong 80’s action movie vibe about the whole thing, which immediately wins points with me, because I’m a fan of 80’s actions films. To be fair, everyone should be a fan of 80’s action movies, this is a no-brainer. More specifically, if you’ve ever watched ‘Big Trouble in Little China’ you’ll understand the vibe here. If you haven’t watched ‘Big Trouble in Little China’, then you should go and watch ‘Big Trouble in Little China’. Go on. I’ll wait for you.
I’m not actually going to wait for them. Let’s continue. You play as…actually, I’m not 100% sure who you play as, but he looks like some sort of trucker complete with faded baseball cap. Armed with Jim’s machete as well as a bow and arrow (dunno where that came from), you head into four different stages to slice and dice the alien scum. In a nice touch, you’ve also got a set of themed offensive and defensive smart-bomb powers which are offered to you from your band members based on their role in the band. Directional arrows on the left hand side of the screen control your movement and an attack button on the right swings your sword. You’ll find yourself wishing for a floating joystick, as it’s easy for your thumb to slip away from the button and have your character stand still while you wonder why it’s so unresponsive. Because of the fixed position of the buttons, the screen ends up feeling cramped, and the slither of extra time it takes for you to reorient your thumb to the correct spot sometimes leads to grizzly trucker death.
For some reason the game also feels like it needs a jump button. To be fair, there isn’t really any practical in-game reason for this, but it just feels like something is missing. My feelings. Don’t belittle them.
This screenshot is considerably smaller than the last one.
It’s a strictly old-school 8 bit affair with graphics that are nostalgically rough around the edges, but colourful and with environments that have just enough detail. It could do with a few more of them though, what's there in terms of background variety just doesn't feel like enough. In true ‘Doom’ style, a mini graphic of your character’s face acts as your health bar and becomes increasingly bloody and bruised as the game progresses. Does this count as real time damage modelling? It’s something to stick on the blurb, in any case.
The music is pumping and perfectly fits the macho retro tone, and the game also has a endless mode, which is a wave based survival affair. So that’s pretty much two games in one. In these recession-hit times, that’s value for money mate.
‘Take My Machete’ is a tough-as-nails, rough and ready action game created by a guy who clearly loves both old-school action gaming and old-school action films. That it’s a labour of love shines through, and deserves to be picked up. Even if we never find out who Jim Jungle actually is, what that alien really did to Machete’s gear. All the best 80’s action movies had plot holes and continuity errors, in fact, if they didn’t they were rejected on principle by the studios. (This is a fact). So who are we to turn our noses up at such a hallowed tradition? No one, that’s who.
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